Wearing a Smartwatch Is Like Turning Up to a Wedding in Crocs
NB: Please don’t hold this blog post against me. Smartwatches clearly have their place in society. This is just a light-hearted jab for my fellow mechanical watch enthusiasts. And yes, most people in my life (fortunately or unfortunately) wear them - everyone is free to wear what they want - so consider this all in good humour.
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When Apple launched the smartwatch in 2015, tech evangelists squealed with glee, convinced this connected square would end centuries of horological craft. “Why would anyone want a Rolex,” they said, “when you can get a digital marvel that tells you to breathe every 20 minutes?”
Fast forward a decade later: Rolex is still hot as can be. Patek still has a mega long wait list.
And your smartwatch? It’s already two models behind, your battery’s shot, and the strap smells faintly of sweaty gym socks.
The March of the Identical Drones
Look at any high street: smartwatch wearers trudging along, identical black slabs strapped to their wrists, occasionally flicking them with all the joy of a corporate intern checking if Karen from Accounts has emailed.
It’s conformity masquerading as technology.
You haven’t chosen a watch, you have been issued one, like a piece of company PPE.
Mechanical watch wearers, on the other hand, have a pulse worth recording, and a personality.
They choose something beautiful, permanent, and utterly immune to software updates. They don’t need their wrist to nag them about hydration like a passive-aggressive personal trainer.
Big Tech’s Biometric iLeash
Let’s be clear: your smartwatch is not there to help you. It’s there to help them - “them” being whichever tech giant is quietly recording your heart rate, sleep cycles, exact location, how often you achieve 3000 steps a day and scanning your email so they can market to you.
You are not wearing a watch; you are wearing a snitch.
A small, obedient spy, politely siphoning your life into a corporate server.
Mechanical watches? They know nothing about you - except that you have very fine exquisite taste and understand the joy of privacy.
Okay sure, we have a smartphone - but why do we need more tracking devices than needed. I’ve got the main man why do I need some secondary screen on my wrist.
Amazing we survived all these years without knowing our resting heart rate. But sure you will live longer, so you can devote even more time to admiring that little glowing rectangle strapped to your wrist.
Ugly now.. uglier later
Even ignoring the data-harvesting, the things are just… ugly
A smartwatch is a minicomputer screen strapped to your arm. It matches precisely nothing you own unless you live in Lycra or spend your weekends attending software update parties.
Mechanical watches are miniature works of art both visually and underneath the hood and built to last decades. Your smartwatch will be landfill in a few years.
Smartwatches age like milk rather than fine wine, unlike my neo-vintage watch collection which will be better in 10, 20, 30 years from now.
A mechanical watch can be passed down as an heirloom. A smartwatch is what you pass down to the recycling bin.
Even when dressed in gold or titanium, it’s unmistakably a piece of consumer electronics. For people who see a watch as a statement of style, heritage, or mechanical artistry, the Apple Watch can feel sterile like wearing a mini-iPhone rather than a crafted object.
The Luxury Rebellion Effect
Wearing a mechanical watch today says:“I don’t need notifications on my wrist".
It’s the horological equivalent of ordering a vintage Bordeaux or a fine Japanese whisky in a world of canned energy drinks.
When Big Tech floods the market with wrist-bound conformity, the more mechanical watches become the badge of independence and taste.
If you for some reason want to look like you have a digital blandwatch on your wrist
Why don’t you try the H Moser & Cie Swiss Alp Watch.
This luxury timepiece deliberately echoes the unmistakable silhouette of the Apple Watch yet it’s entirely mechanical. Crafted from 18-carat white gold and sapphire crystal, and limited to just 50 pieces, it’s a traditional Swiss heirloom hiding in modern tech disguise.
Prices start at around £24,000 for the time-only gold model, £220,000 for the Tourbillon Minute Repeater, and £600,000+ for gem-set editions proving that you can still look like an Apple Watch w@nker, but in the most extravagantly stylish way possible.
I would always prefer any digital, automatic, hand wound or quartz watch over a smartwatch.
The Conversation Starter..
Ask a smartwatch wearer about their watch and they’ll mumble something about battery life or customisable faces. They will show me how they edit their screen saver to that of a Rolex Daytona watch face, an Omega Speedmaster or something ridiculous and expect me to be impressed.
Ask a mechanical watch wearer, and you’ll get a story, history, heritage, design, memories, maybe even a little scandal. Whatever you are wearing from Seiko to Omega to Rolex or Vacheron, it’s all infinitely more interesting than a fruit cuff tap trap on your wrist.
One wrist starts conversations and the other ends them. Buzz Buzz, look someone messaged me.
Conclusion: The Horological Renaissance Is Coming
Smartwatches aren’t killing mechanical watches they’re making them more glorious.
Every beeping, buzzing slab strapped to a wrist makes the rest of us look better and more stylish by comparison.
It seems I might be overlooking something when it comes to smartwatches. In today’s world, monthly subscriptions and a throwaway culture have become the new normal.
Devices are often designed with shorter lifespans, upgrades are frequent, and ownership is replaced by ongoing payment plans. While the latest model offers convenience and the latest features, it also raises questions about long-term value, sustainability, and whether we truly own what we use.
So, to all the smartwatch wearers: keep upgrading, keep charging, keep looking like you are checking your parole conditions.
We will be over here, winding our watches, our dignity intact, our wrists untouched by the cold glow of conformity.
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